Team Stell

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Oct 25

I have been super horrible about talking to anyone during these hard times. I have a couple people I have been talking with alot, more than normal and other than that been keeping to myself and family. So needless to say I have been slack on updating this, but thats just normal isn’t it. So as most if not all know my best buddy passed on Wednesday the 13th at 11:37 AM. The days leading up to this he was getting worse as far as stats, but he still would wake up for drinks and his dog food. So I guess we were expecting any moment for him to just get up and go like he did before back in May. Well that morning when Karrie went in the other room to get Taylor ready for school. I could hear him making some noises under his oxygen mask. Which I took as normal, figuring he was having a bad dream and would wake up crying soon like before. Well this didn’t happen. I fact he really didn’t respond after around 8:30 AM. He was really working to get air. We called the hospice nurse who was here in no time like always. She upped the morphine to try to relax him. Which she would have to do once or twice more. I will leave out some details and just say that from 8:30 to 9:30 was not pretty and after that was bad enough. From what I understand death is not an easy or peaceful thing even though thats what everyone’s obituary reads. I guess that’s so everyone can feel better about the whole deal. I could have probably beared it alot better if it was my mom, dad, sister, or brother. But watching my son/best buddy passing in front of my eyes and the only thing I could do is break them O so sacred pinky promises. All those times I told him giving up wasn’t an option, you have to be tougher than boiled dog turds, quitting is not an option, lets prove them wrong again. Yeah all those and more. Well as he was laying there gasping for his 3 breaths a minute I had to whisper in his ear that everything I had programmed into his head needed to be deleted, and it was OK for him to give up now. His mother never left his side as always, but I had to have a couple away moments. When he did pass it was peaceful in fact he looked more peaceful after than he had in a long time. Usually the hospice nurse bathes them and has them picked up. Well not here. Karrie along with a little of my help bathed him and clothed him and we took him to the funeral home. Yes she was sitting in the front seat holding him in her arms as I drove the 30 min. to the funeral home. That would have been interesting if we would have gotten pulled over. The funeral was a great success in my eyes and I can’t thank Scott at Montlawn enough. The days after have been unrealistic. It all seems so blurry and unreal. Everything we do reminds us of Conner who obviously was involved in everything. I can’t even pee without thinking of him. I will now sahre the speech I read aloud at the reflection time during the ceremony.
4.5 yrs ago a special someone was born. How much more special does it get than having a son come into a family of 3 with the first being daughter. The perfect family, yeah we had our problems and accidents like most, if not all other families. In fact Conner had gotten around 17 stitches by the time he was 3. Not to mention the numerous bruises ans so on that active little boys might come across. Well these bruises and a few othe symptoms would eventually lead to day 1 of our battle.
1.5 yrs ago we got the original news at an urgent care facility. When the actual Dr. is present to inform the news rather than just the physicians assistant you know it’s not good. We were reffered to UNC where the news was confirmed. Conner had the worst, of the worst, of the worst. Acute Myeloid Leukemia, Monosomy 7, Subtype M0. Prognosis was bad from day 1, but I don’t think this disease knew who it had messed with.
The only real hope was a bone marrow transplant, a 10 of 10 donor was found. But the counts never could get where they needed to be. After approximately 6 rounds of chemo, treatment was stopped. Sounds easy, but that’s over 120 some days of inpatient at the hospital. Which included solitary confinement, numerous near fatal infections, countless ER visits, and a beautiful little innocent sister that had to try to fit in, as she was unfortunately juggled through the nightmare. That’s about as brief as of a description as I can give of the days leading up to and during the battle.
Now for the hard part. I guess a lot of men have sons, but do they ever get to be best buddies with there son. Or do they understand what real best buddies are!! Well for starters you have to have sword fights when you pee. If one forgets the code to start the skid loader the other always remembers. If one fills the truck with the excavator, the other honks the horn. You have to hold hands when you get the chicken eggs so the rooster doesn’t get ya. One catches the fish the other reels them in. If the BB gun doesn’t scare the boogey man than you get the high powered rifle out. One pushes the gas the other runs the wheel. When I reach back and tap your leg you tap my side. By the way, real best buddies strap strollers on the back of there Harley. Ocean waves hit ones feet and the others knees. If that steer won’t go in the trailer you have to turn the horse and wave your hat. Yes you can lay on my belly again tonight. Can I borrow a nickel I have a good hand. (most of this don’t make since, I explained during the speech)
I told Conner from day 1 he had to be tougher than boiled dog turds which he was. Thinking this is supposed to be the other way around, he is supposed to be watching me pass. I had to take that back and tell him it was OK to give up, as much as I didn’t want him to. But real best buddies can’t be selfish. That was my speech, however I got through it I did……
Daddy

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ANNOUNCEMENT :
CONNER STELL- FUNERAL SERVICE
If you are in the local area and want to show your support and love love Conner Please attend:

The Stell family has asked me to post this on their behalf.
You are all part of a very large Facebook Family that continues to give incredible support.

Montlawn Memorial Park:
2911 South Wilmington St. Raleigh, NC 27603

Sunday October 16th, 2010
Visitation: 2:00pm
Service: 4:00pm

www.montlawn.com

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Oct 11 numero dos

Well I gave numero uno before the hospice nurse came. So to clarify, some of his stats remain the same. But his blood pressure has dropped somewhere around 80 over 40. Which is another sign of bad things to come. She has also figured out Conner and won’t guess at time anymore, but face expressions can tell tales. No matter what, Conner has really amazed alot of people. Whether he is trying to fight or its just programmed into him, who knows.

stay tuned
Daddy

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Oct. 11

All is still about the same. Yesterday when he woke up he had a slight bloody nose that stopped fairly quick. He continues to have to wear his oxygen mask. If he takes it off he starts doing that grunting cough. His stats are about the same except the oxygen % is in the lower 90’s now with 10 liters running through the mask. I guess you can be pumping all the oxygen you want into the lungs, but without red blood cells to distribute it nothing happens. He continues to sleep or rest with eyes shut (seems like he is always listening) around 23 hrs a day. He has been able to keep what he drinks and what little he eats down. This I believe has to do with his stomach size. It has went down quite a bit in size I guess allowing some room for other things again. Still at 6 mg of morphine an hr and is very comfortable with hardly no button pushes. He is still very with it mentally and never forgets to ask for his daily piece of dog food. He made me carry the new 40 lb bag in the bedroom yesterday and sit it on the bed, lean it over, so he could get himself a piece.
Daddy

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Oct 8

I have been trying to keep up a little better than before and still find myself forgetting. The last few days have been about the same. He might be awake 30 min to an hr out of the 24 hr day. And some how his mother manages to be by his side almost constantly. When I write these posts I only share my special moments and my special feelings. Not on purpose but I just don’t know her feelings and moments that are important to her. Well she is not one for speaking, typing, whatever it is in front of a crowd. Its funny how when a kid doesn’t feel good they want mommy. I can remember when I was a kid I was always a daddy’s boy but as soon as I didn’t feel good. I quickly turned into a mommies boy. My neighbor is a retired police officer and he was telling me that numerous times grown men in hurtful or bad situations would ask for there mom. Funny how that works. So whatever my moral to this story is it needs to be clear that this has and will be a team effort. Just because I don’t share a lot of things doesn’t mean they don’t happen. My wife has handled this whole thing better than I could ever dream of myself. On occasion she has to take care of her husband and child. I just want everyone to know that its easy to type and make all sound so great. And I hear so many posts about how strong and amazing we are. Yes this may be true, but I feel as if anyone would be the same way if put in the situation. This is not something that I dreamed of as a boy growing up. I don’t ever remember thinking that the perfect family included a child with terminal cancer. That being said, I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s. That’s just how best buddies are. You know I loved my son before this happened. But now it is a different kind of friendship and love than anyone that hasn’t lived it can understand. I have learned a lot more from a 4 yr old kid than I can ever remember learning from anyone else I have came in contact with. The courage, strength, and will to live that he shows on a minutely basis is unbelievable. Whether he lives another hr or another yr thats up to God, as he has shown over and over. If his day comes before mine O how I will miss my son, but more important bestest buddy.
Daddy

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Oct. 4

Not a whole lot has changed with Conner. If anything he seems a little better on the outside, but quite sure slowly but surely doing worse on the inside. Problem being good healthy cells have a lifespan and die off quite quickly to be replaced by new fresh cells. This is a constant cycle repeated everyday by our bone marrow. Well the cancer cells have no lifespan and don’t die off basically bullying out the good cells. So now he is left with a large quantity of useless blast cells that keep being made and never leave. This is why his counts have and will continue to drop. Even when transfusions were working they only worked for a few days to a week then them cells would die off only to not be replaced. He has mainly slept for the last week with a few minutes of awake time here and there. He drinks tons of milk and hasn’t had real good luck with keeping any solids down. When he went through this in May where he didn’t eat for a week or so it wiped out all of his fat and most of his muscle. Which never returned and now there is nothing left for his body to really live off. All these factors is why this time seems like the last. We have spent the last couple days putting together a slideshow to be shown at his service if and when that day comes. We have picked our music and done 10 big picture frame arrangements. I spoke with his main doc today who always checks in even while on vacation. When I ask ?’s its hard for her to give answers simply because he is the exception to the rule. She said today Conner is unbelievable and we have all been sensational throughout this whole process. You wonder if they say this to everyone, but the Conner part I believe to be true. We strive on every awaken moment. We were supposed to go fishing in our pond the morning all this turned again and as soon as he gives the word the wheelchair will be out on the dock. I might have to give him some extra dogfood for energy! Speaking of…I had to try a little bite the other night to see what the big deal was. Well no one rush to the store it isn’t that great.
Daddy

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Oct 1

Conner is still hanging on. He had a couple pretty good days but now is back bad again. We went to clinic yesterday to get his neck surgery site looked at. He said he heard a pop and when Karrie opened the bandage there was a hole where a stitch had ripped or something. It had never healed since his healing cells are so messed up. So he had a hole in the side of his neck big enough for me to stick the end of my pointer finger in. Luckily it did not bleed. Anyway the surgery team looked at it and thought it would be fine just keep it covered with a nonstick bandage. She also took the 3 stitchs out. We were also trying to get counts done while at clinic. When they tried to draw blood from the white line nothing came out. So they put a solution in the line that breaks up clots and it had to sit in the line for an hour. After the hr they tried again and still nothing so she was ready to flush and heplock. Flushed and tried one more pullback and it worked. So labs were drawn and his counts as we expected were worse. The lowest they have ever been. HGB 4.3 critically low….platelets 7 critically low. Transfusions no longer being an option. We headed back home after alot of people came and said bye to Conner. Last Thursday the doc had told some you better go say bye to Conner cause he probably won’t be back. This morning he was filled back up with fluid. Was grunting and coughing for air. He is having trouble moving air. His o2 saturation was at 60 now is hangin in the upper 70’s and low 80’s. His heart has been beating hard and fast and he is breathing fast. They upped his morphine again to try to slow his heart and breathing down. Now its at 6mg/hr. Not looking real great for the home team. He is mentally still good. In fact he asked me earlier as a secret (shhhh moms not supposed to know) if I could bring the bag of dog food in the room so he could get a piece. Conner has been sneaking dog food for the last couple months that I know of and eating it. You know if it makes him happy go for it. He only likes a certain color too. Its actually funny how much thought and effort he puts into keeping his habit a secret. We are really hoping if this has to happen that it is easy and fast. He has been through enough.
Daddy

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Sept 27

Saturday the hospice nurse made 3 visits to raise morphine. 2 raises I mentioned in the previous post and we had to have her come again before bed and raised it to 4.0 mg. Sunday we raised it to 4.5 mg and today we raised it to 5.0 mg. Obviously he still has alot of pain, not real sure if the pain is getting worse or staying the same but he’s building tolerance to the morphine. He actually had a good spurt yesterday and got up, went out and fed the fish and was talking with a few smiles. He was up most of the night rambling on about who knows what. He has been up quite a bit today and still talking and alert. His blood pressure today was good, pulse a little better than yesterday but still high, and his oxygen level is way low at 70%. We went today and looked at another funeral home which we decided to go with, Montlawn in Raleigh. He continues to fight as always and I have told him he doesn’t have to fight on my behalf. Just in case he is holding out for his daddy that always has told him to be tougher than boiled dog turds. Little bodies can only handle so much and I don’t want him to hold on because of me if he’s ready. We can’t be selfish. That is really all the news as of now.
Daddy

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There are some newer pictures posted here.  We’d love to get more pictures of Conner on here so if you have any, send them to tracy@teamstell.com.

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